Getting my bearings?

Well, it's just been over a month now since my exam, and I am still feeling a little disoriented. As much as I complained about the pace of the the past 20 months or so, I kind of got used to it. What I always hated about the pace was the freneticism it entailed. Never a moment to absorb that keen insight, never mind come up with one of my own.

I've recently begun feeling rather less-than-efficacious when it comes to my intellectual capacities. Obviously I must have gotten here with some sort of intelligence, but I so often feel that I am never quite operating on that higher plane that so many professors and some of my fellow graduate students do. Am I simply undiagnosed ADD? Am I lazy? Am I unable to think in a cognitively complex way? So many times I see my fellow students picking apart arguments, articles, etc. And what do I do? Stare blankly, realizing that I hadn't come up with any good critiques. Yet I know I did this in my masters' program. What has happened to me? Has my desire for a real income and a real life swallowed up my intellectual curiosities? Or am I simply one of thousands of grad students experiencing the same thing, in which case I am no special case?

I wish I knew.

Beginning, middle, end

One of my favorite things about the sci-fi show "Bablyon 5" was its emphasis on the present moment in the context of past, present, and future. So now, I guess I start with what was the future: I passed my *#$*@&$ comp exam.

I've been through a few heavy exams in my life, and this was no exception. 48 hours. All the notes you could want (but don't have time to use). Three lengthy essay questions.

Ouch.

Yes, I've passed, with the usual warning about the need to gain depth over breadth. Of course, this is a bit confusing for the grad students in the department. They tell us from the outset that it takes a long time to learn the material, then proceed to flip out because there are way too many students who are here past "normative time" to degree. I know I have a long road ahead of me, including a second "field paper" option in lieu of an exam. But at least the worst part is over.

I'm not looking forward to more classes, but it is quite true there is so much left to learn. I just have to remind myself we don't learn everything in grad school, as much as the purist professors imply we should.

Procastination or Responsibility?

I'm sitting here in my office trying, trying to stay focused on my fellowship work. But all I can think about is comps, comps, comps--only nine weeks from today. Try as I may I know I am often a one-track-mind, get-in-the-zone kind of person. There's only one problem--graduate school isn't set up that way. It's funny how professors on the other side of the Rubicon stress the slow, simmering approach to learning the craft of one's field. Do they really read only one book over the entire weekend and not feel guilty about it? Hmmm.

Setting out

As the name suggest, graduate school is sometimes like, well, not being able to see the forest for the trees. I suppose all of life is like this, but somehow graduate school only compounds the problem.

I've been through plenty of graduate school (a master's degree from North Carolina in the communication field) with plenty more to go (at least three more after the two under my belt in a political science program). I'm not a habitual poster, but my musings sometimes don't belong either to myself (resulting in muttering to myself, particularly in the shower) or the paper journal. But it's hopefully going to help someone else out there who's also on the long, twisted path to academic glory.

Great. It's only my first post and I've already violated my New Year's Resolution: get to the sack earlier.