Well, it's just been over a month now since my exam, and I am still feeling a little disoriented. As much as I complained about the pace of the the past 20 months or so, I kind of got used to it. What I always hated about the pace was the freneticism it entailed. Never a moment to absorb that keen insight, never mind come up with one of my own.
I've recently begun feeling rather less-than-efficacious when it comes to my intellectual capacities. Obviously I must have gotten here with some sort of intelligence, but I so often feel that I am never quite operating on that higher plane that so many professors and some of my fellow graduate students do. Am I simply undiagnosed ADD? Am I lazy? Am I unable to think in a cognitively complex way? So many times I see my fellow students picking apart arguments, articles, etc. And what do I do? Stare blankly, realizing that I hadn't come up with any good critiques. Yet I know I did this in my masters' program. What has happened to me? Has my desire for a real income and a real life swallowed up my intellectual curiosities? Or am I simply one of thousands of grad students experiencing the same thing, in which case I am no special case?
I wish I knew.
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